Not quite a musical...not quite a play – then what exactly is it? That question was unresolved when I walked out of the Northcote Town Hall on Friday night. The cast and crew never managed to pull off either. It was more like bad television or an amateur talent night at high school. On the most hot, stuffy day of the year, the stylish location took some of the sting out of a corny performance.

A young male crew member tinkled a piano and the show began with an unsettling music score by writer and producer, JC La Fontaine. Things went downhill from there. The entrance was a revolving door for late-comers and I started to wonder if they were actors or audience members. Many didn't return after the interval. That was a wise decision because the second half was the most disappointing.

Melbourne Boys: New Beginnings took us on an unconvincing journey through Sebastian's (JC La Fontaine) first year at university, introducing us to his friends, family and peers. Many were vacuous, frustrating and difficult to like. Along the way, old flames are re-united, a long-lost brother shows up from the past and an unlikely gay couple struggles to have their relationship taken seriously. Maybe the pairing between a college jock and a music composer was a little hard to swallow for the cast and the audience.

The under-grads try their hand at tackling relationships, finding out who they are and making their mark on the world. The actors pull this off to a certain degree – revealing the fickle nature of relationships at this age, lack of self awareness, personal integrity and the turmoil and uncertainty that goes with the transition to adulthood. However, much of the writing is contrived and predictable and many of the performances are wooden and dull. La Fontaine creates stereotypical relationships, cliché situations and empty personalities. The characters often remark how irritating they find each other and that certainly rang true.

Perhaps the dialogue was indicative of how some young people communicate in this social milieu but thankfully, I have not met them. I found myself cringing at certain moments – convinced that no one could possibly interact this way, except on B-grade television. Particularly in the second half where the play takes a 'heartfelt' turn and the characters are forced to resolve a few issues. These scenes are poorly written and devised.

The scene between the cold, distant father and the gay son hardly rings true as years of turmoil is somehow resolved in a brief conversation. Similarly, with the breakdown of one young couple's relationship at the end. If only things could be resolved so easily in life. Suzy Markovski is hardly convincing in her role as the mother and her relationship with Sebastian is equally hard to believe.

That was the problem with Melbourne Boys. It wasn't moving, it wasn't funny, it wasn't clever, it wasn't original and it certainly wasn't musical. Aside from the tinkling of a piano here and there and a couple of uninspired outbreaks of song and dance, there was no musicality whatsoever.

Some actors did a reasonable job, particularly Graham Murray, the most experienced of the cast. However, many performances were easily dismissed. In their defence, it must've been difficult to rise above the roles and scripts they were given. I honestly felt sorry for the actors and what they had to work with. On the other hand, they're also very young and their lack of experience is painfully obvious, particularly among the females.

While La Fontaine does a commendable job at raising sensitive issues such as gay equality and human rights, it comes off calculated and contrived. You can almost predict the words that fall from the mouths of the actors delivering them. Although well handled, there were far too many scene changes as well, which made the experience even more frustrating. Perhaps Melbourne Boys: New Beginnings needs to decide whether it's a play or a musical and start from the beginning.

Melbourne Boys: New Beginnings
Northcote Town Hall
18 – 22 November